Have you ever wondered what it’s like to volunteer for a shelter or rescue and listen to all the people explain why they have to get rid of their pet? One volunteer wrote this fake phone directory to express their frustration. ENJOY!
Hello. You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:
Press 1 if you have a 10-year-old dog or cat and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog/cat a new home right away.
Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 10-year-old dog.
Press 3 if you have a dog or a cat, had a baby and want to get rid of your pet because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and pets at the same time.
Press 4 if you just got a brand new puppy or kitten and your old dog or cat is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.
Press 5 if your little puppy or kitten has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to get a cuter, more fun pet, instead.
Press 6 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY and pick up the dog or cat you no longer want.
Press 7 if you have been feeding and caring for a ‘stray’ for the last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it’s not your cat.
Press 8 if your dog or cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation.
Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy or kitten who is not active and is not going to outlive you.
Press 10 if your relative has died and you don’t want to care for their elderly dog or cat because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.
Press 11 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog or cat in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the dog/cat with no message.
Press 12 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog or cat that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our responsibility.
Press 13 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog or cat to be euthanized because we won’t take it.
Press 14 if you want to adopt a PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid and cat friendly purebred dogs that we have an endless supply of.
Press 15 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor’s cats.
Press 16 if you have already called once and been told we don’t take personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer.
Press 17 if you want us to the use space that would go to a rescue to board your personal dog or cat you have to “get rid of.”
Press 18 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want us to deliver an eight week old puppy or kitten to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up.
Press 19 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.
Press 20 if you want us to take your female dog or cat who has already had ten litters and is pregnant again, but we can’t spay her because it is against your religion.
Press 21 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but are not willing to accept that the cat’s behavior issues are because you wanted to protect your furniture.
Press 22 if your two year old male dog or cat is marking all over your house but you just haven’t gotten around to having him neutered.
Press 23 if you have an outdoor only dog or cat and you don’t know what to do because she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 24 if you have done ‘everything’ to housebreak your dog and have had no success but you don’t want to crate the dog because it is cruel.
Press 25 if you didn’t listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working and you are angry because no one called you back.
Press 26 if your dog or cat’s coat doesn’t match your new furniture and you need a different color or breed.
Press 27 if your new partner doesn’t like your dog or cat and you want to respect his or her feelings by getting rid of your pet even though your partner doesn’t respect that you had a pet before they came along.